Why I sometimes don't like being Italian

My great grandma came over from "the old country". And she was as superstitious and judgemental as it gets. I painted my nails black?!? I was going to hell. Had a black cat? I was going to hell. Didn't go to church? Yup.. straight to hell. But the gates of heaven opened wide if I brought Easter Lillies or raw chicken tails. My evil hateful cunt of a cousin told her I was pagan (just to be spiteful).. yup damned and redeemed within a week due to turkey Necks and chicken tails.. like most devout religious people.. easily bought off.

My grandmother. She lied and told everyone's secrets to benefit her. She was always the victim. Nothing was ever her fault.. but you should favor her because she was going through this or that. She owned a travel agency (which I worked at when I was 12/14) she made sure to tell EVERYONE when I got my period for the first time. She tried to play the he said/she said game with my ex husband  and me. 

She did a HELL of a job brainwashing/guilting my mom with guilt to carry a cross for her and be at her beck and call because my Mom was an only child and my grandmother "needed" her. 

My mom carries all that guilt to this day and tries to push it to me and my brother through her alcoholism. 

My mother is not a failure. But treats herself like one. So she drinks to escape her own created pain. She feels a certain way about a past situation and even after all parties have told her it's all fine, she continues to beat up and berate herself.. which drives her to drink to attempt to escape her pain, rather than work with a professional to face it and get through it. It's disappointing to watch. She is, actually, an addict. But she has no desire to fix it. 

And me.. what exactly am I? 

I'm cocky, indignant, boisterous, loud, obnoxious, charismatic, silly, bubbly, energetic, and who knows what else. 

I love with my whole heart. Try to give what I can to who I can. But hurt me deep.. break my trust and I can't trust you again. Maybe I'm as ruined as these above people. 

Sometimes I think that's why I'm alone. A Strega Nona to be a spinster witch with her cats.. 

Just happy

5:46a.m. I'm watching the clouds change colors from my balcony. And while I've had much to drink, I can't remember being this elated from the sunrise.

 

Am I what you call.. good?

am I a good person?

Really..

Truly??

yesterday I thought about Rob. I thought about how I've never hated anyone in my life.  I don't even know how to. I know that love and hate are 2 sides of the Saame coin and that it takes passion to fuel both.
Anytime I think of Rob, there's pain. And anger. I dream of driving to his house and keying his car. I think of writing Kim about Julienne. I dream of hurting him in any way so that he might feel the betrayal of what I feel.

And yet yesterday, I fed the homeless. Or I help plan a benefit for dog adoption.

I drink my ass off and cuss like a sailor

But I make sure my cats are taken care of before me.

Some days I wake up and I really wonder, is there a point system? Are there markers and tallies of good and bad things I think about or do? Can I win?

A little honesty From the AT

I wrote this In June on 2014. While I was hiking the trail..



This is strictly from me. I sounded off/proof read to Rob but this is strictly my post:

The truth is most days I don't want to be out here. I think of home all the time. I want to be curled up on my couch with my car and popcorn I just made and a glass of wine. I want to be able to take a shower daily and put on different clothes. Not hike for hours up and down rocky or difficult terrain smelling like a women's locker room after the WNBA. My feet hurt, my ankles hurt and most days my only reward at the end of the day is a meal we get to rehydrate and sleeping on a blow up mattress that's about 2 inches thick. Some days I want to cast off my pack and jump in the river just so I can be cool instead of soaking wet from sweat, but we have to keep moving. 

So yeah, most days it's really not fun. 

But the things I'm taking away from this are exponential in the gravity of my life. I've learned to appreciate things so much more. The smells are phenomenal. Some days things smell like maple syrup, cotton candy or even just the sweetest flower fragrance that you could never get out of a candle. To go to sleep and it be quiet. Like really quiet, no street sounds or ambulances. The kindness of people who leave things for you on the trail or help you cause they understand your need to do this!

This trail; and I don't mean the AT, I mean the road/journey I am taking as a person, it's changed my life for the better. I have gotten a better way of looking at life. I know what is important. My faith in humanity is restored. 

I may not be a religious person and my views may not be the same. But the church people out here believe in the basics. I respect that and love them for that. They put out food and essentials. Not because they have to, but because they know the Hiker community is on a journey of love, faith (of whatever), spiritualism, physicality and outright stubbornness. And they want to do something that will bring ease to the Hiker soul. 

I can't even explain the feeling when you walk up to a 'trail magic' area. It's a combination of opening presents at Christmas but with the surprise of an unexpected gift for no reason. Sometimes it's placed and you get it when you don't think your day could get any harder. And sometimes you get it at the beginning of your day and it makes your whole hike. Sometimes you get there after everything is picked over but it's still an amazing gift to know that the thought was there, for you and others like you. And even though you may not have gotten any of the 'prime options' someone out there thought enough to recognize what you were going through and tried to ease your journey. I think there's a lot of society that's lost what just a small gesture of thoughtfulness and random kindness from the heart could do for the human race. I promise to take this away from this journey. To pay it forward to society, whether it's appreciated or not, and to be a better person.

My brother is an asshole...

I'm going to use this as my sounding board for my time of anger of family betrayal and anger.

Because I want a sounding board.

There is a certain poetry to baring a soul to many people. It's called publishing.. I want to bare a section of my soul. I don't need the sympathy. My best therapy is writing. Maybe it's not as eloquent as I'd like, but my heart is in it.

When I was growing up, I was really mean to my younger brother. I was an asshole. He was always giving. He always asked for a second 'thing' for his sister when I never did. He and I played dress up. I did his make up. We used to meet in the center of our bedrooms and talk about nonsense: He was thoughtful, sweet and kind.

When we got older, things were said.. not completely horrible, but hurtful. I tried to mend, but clearly I am unforgivable.

He got married, had 2 kids (whom I've almost never been to their birthday parties.), and then promptly divorced her after falling for another woman.

He came to me after over 6 years of silence. We talked like we were actually family again. He confided his life and love in me, before either of my parents. I talked to him the whole time he was in the academy. I reached out to his lady so that she had a lifeline. Someone to talk to who knew him, cause it's comforting and easier. When they got engaged, I was ecstatic and tried to keep a secret, even though he told her before hand.

But I don't remember what went wrong.. I wanted to go to Hawaii. I wanted to support them. But they decided to have a "meet the family" dinner without me. I would understand if it was just the parents.. But YOU BOTH are parents. How is it ok to have the 'wife's brother present' (yes he lives there. I get it!!! But he was still going to be outside with the family. Eating the food. Socializing.. etc. you KNEW he wasn't going out, or anywhere else. You knew he'd be home!)
BUT, not your sister. Why couldn't you ask Kari's mom if I could be there?
Is she that mean! Is she that scary?
Do I embarrass you?
Are you afraid of me?
I don't get why I wasn't a good enough sister that you couldn't ask your soon to be mother in law 1 simple question.
I don't get how my brother (who used to ask everyone for "something extra for his sister) couldn't ask for this one thing. And I don't understand how his wife ( a mother of 2 kids) could stand for this either.

And that split it for me. My brother and his wife couldn't hop a puddle for me. But he didn't hesitate to ask me to jump an ocean for him and go fly to his wedding in Hawaii..

So I didn't go... I didn't feel like I was important enough to either of them. Neither one would even ask me over for dinner, even though I lived down the street.....

And he was pissed.

But so was I. And I was hurt to the core.

But from then on, I was the enemy. And it's gotten worse over the last year. I asked for help during a tumultuous moment of my life. And he told me I was "bringing drama" when all I wanted was my brother to comfort me.

I've gone through hell in the last 4 months. I was in emotional pain, I was depressed and I was a mess. Among other things, I contemplated suicide twice. I needed my brother.. not my parents, not my closest friends... my brother.

But I knew I couldn't call him. He would consider it too much drama and not worth his time. And it hurt even more. I haven't asked him for anything since we've been adults. Except for his time and to see the kids.

But I'm not allowed in his and Kari's life. They want to forget I am related to them.

I'm not angry anymore.. I'm just sad.
And I hope.
I hope neither one EVER has to go through the pain my parents feel when they know their kids can't get along. I hope you never have to feel the pain my dad feels when he knows his son won't forgive his family and just be civil. And I hope you never have to feel the loss and pain of what it is when one of your children won't talk to you.

I personally pity you that you both are so fucking judgemental that you can't attempt to forgive and try to build a relationship with your actual family.

Josh... when your marriage fails, and it will because you will eventually get tired of her ordering you around.. (it's called a type and a pattern.. look it up in Psych 101..

I won't be here for you the second time around..
Fool me once, shame on you...
Fool me twice, shame on me.
I'm tired of being your whipping boy. I'm tired of you blaming me for drama when all I wanted was to vent about my life and my pain to my brother. Like I thought siblings do.

Apparently, I am now an only child. My brother and his wife  want  nothing to do with me. But that's not my choice.. I've tried to mend it. They have no time to make for me. The don't want to..