My great grandma came over from "the old country". And she was as superstitious and judgemental as it gets. I painted my nails black?!? I was going to hell. Had a black cat? I was going to hell. Didn't go to church? Yup.. straight to hell. But the gates of heaven opened wide if I brought Easter Lillies or raw chicken tails. My evil hateful cunt of a cousin told her I was pagan (just to be spiteful).. yup damned and redeemed within a week due to turkey Necks and chicken tails.. like most devout religious people.. easily bought off.
My grandmother. She lied and told everyone's secrets to benefit her. She was always the victim. Nothing was ever her fault.. but you should favor her because she was going through this or that. She owned a travel agency (which I worked at when I was 12/14) she made sure to tell EVERYONE when I got my period for the first time. She tried to play the he said/she said game with my ex husband and me.
She did a HELL of a job brainwashing/guilting my mom with guilt to carry a cross for her and be at her beck and call because my Mom was an only child and my grandmother "needed" her.
My mom carries all that guilt to this day and tries to push it to me and my brother through her alcoholism.
My mother is not a failure. But treats herself like one. So she drinks to escape her own created pain. She feels a certain way about a past situation and even after all parties have told her it's all fine, she continues to beat up and berate herself.. which drives her to drink to attempt to escape her pain, rather than work with a professional to face it and get through it. It's disappointing to watch. She is, actually, an addict. But she has no desire to fix it.
And me.. what exactly am I?
I'm cocky, indignant, boisterous, loud, obnoxious, charismatic, silly, bubbly, energetic, and who knows what else.
I love with my whole heart. Try to give what I can to who I can. But hurt me deep.. break my trust and I can't trust you again. Maybe I'm as ruined as these above people.
Sometimes I think that's why I'm alone. A Strega Nona to be a spinster witch with her cats..
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