Maybe I should..

Just pull the trigger. Just end the cycle. 

My grandmother was a nasty piece of work. My mom has a good heart but won't actually fucking get help for all of those broken feelings inside of her. She's a nasty drunk and loves to compare me to my grandmother when she's feeling particularly biting. 

Some days I amaze myself with the ways I keep my mouth shut. I could be horrible, mean and downright shitty. But I keep my mouth shut. I think I'm the only woman in my Italian side of the family that ever has. Because my grandmother and my mom obviously couldn't. 

My father is a pacifist and my brother is a judgemental coward. I have too much emotion for Josh and so I am deemed "drama". 

I'm a pathetic bartender with too many tattoos and wildly dyed hair. I clearly am an irresponsible adult. I have no children, no SO, and an apparent "unworthy" job. So why do I continue? 

To my brother I'm nothing but drama. To some of my "friends", I'm an outlandish drunk who can't hold her tongue. I called you constantly Sami when you felt alone, just so you could have someone to talk to. And where the fuck you now? Judgemental on your high horse with your husband and boyfriend. My heart is aching but all you do is criticize me. 

So many friends have deemed me so worthless that I'm not even worth fighting for to fix the friendship. 

I'm sorry I wasn't a better person to fit into your life. I'm sorry I was good enough for what you needed at the time but not for the long term. 

Maybe this is all drama.. maybe I'm too dramatic and throwing myself a pity party. Maybe I don't want to turn into my mom or be an "Annabelle" . Maybe I've just had enough and I'm tired of being the rock when I'm strong and damned when I'm weak (oh I'm sorry. You call that dramatic, Josh). 

Maybe I'm tired of being 'too much', too intimidating, too emotional, too feeling, too loving. Just being too much for anyone to handle. Cause clearly Rob, Jeff, and Howard weren't enough. Years and years of friendship and love and I'm just not worth any of it. Thank you for making my years of love and friendship worthless. 

I think I'm a star, I always have been. But I'm too much of a coward to supernova. I used to be so strong but I'm too much of a coward to actually pull the trigger. 

Hmm. Maybe it wasn't the meds after all. Maybe I'm just broken.